My story

When I was pregnant I couldn’t believe it, growing up I always knew I would be a mother one day and now a year later I still pinch myself because I can’t believe I have a son.

I had a very bad pregnancy, in my second trimester I ended up in hospital it was such a normal day at work and I came home to begin cooking dinner then I was hit with the ” morning sickness at night.” Which was normal for me until I saw all the blood I had just thrown up and couldn’t stop throwing up.

In my third trimester my body always gave me false labor pains at work, one day was no different until they kept happening every 5-10 minutes a part and wouldn’t stop. I was eventually taken to hospital and they had to stop the contractions. At that time I was only 30 weeks pregnant.

Then came the birth, and if you have a read of my both story you know how that went..

With all that said when lorenzo was in my arms I straight away didn’t want to put him down. At hospital I slept with him in my arms ” well he slept”

When we got home that’s when I began to think some weird things. I remember my hubby holding my baby in the kitchen and I freaked out because in my head I saw that the knife had fallen onto my baby and hurt him. Which could never happen but this is where my mind travel most of the time.. I would freak as soon as someone else had him and I didn’t. I would wake so many times making sure he was still breathing, I would cry about him and he would be sleeping in his cot right next to me.

I ended up co sleeping with him for the first month. I wasn’t leaving the house much only to visit my family and friends and that’s about it.

For a while i was ok, i made it work.

then it was time to go back to work Something I was looking forward too, I learnt being pregnant that I’m a workaholic and it’s kinda sad. But when I went back to work it was completely different, I was in a whole new role which threw me off but I made it work, new faces but they soon became friends but I went back to work without my baby boy, he stayed with my family until there was a spot for him at the daycare.. this was so hard for me and I think I cried every morning leaving my baby boy and cried every night after coming home from work.

Then he began daycare and I got to see him a little more and yet I felt massive guilt for having him in daycare and I was at work. I walked into his room one day on my lunch break and when it was time to leave and go back to work I just stood there crying to his teacher and I mean a ugly Kim K cry! It was horrible I hated leaving him.

Then again it got better and I began to manage everything a little better. My mother who used to be a midwife was the first person to ask if I was doing ok, the second was my boss. At that point I knew maybe this isn’t normal and maybe I should see someone. I saw my doctor and he made recommendations and who to see.

I began to see a lady that my mother ended up telling me about and not my doctor. And it helped for a while but then I just found her way of helping me cope wasn’t the answer and I left more lost then ever.

Until one day I started seeing the counsellor at my work at first it was weird and I thought “should I be sharing this information” will she tell my boss. But soon my worries soon faded and a year later I still see her at least twice a month or once a month depending on what’s going on.

She’s helped me get through all my emotional struggles, helped me realise that although the doctor put a label of postpartum anxiety it wasn’t going to define who I am as a mother or person.

You’ll be happy to know I don’t suffer from postpartum anxiety anymore and feel like my old self before pregnancy and child birth just with extra bags aka my son! Hahaha

This is actually the first time I’m telling anyone but my hubby and work friends that I see a counsellor, not that I’m ashamed of myself because i needed that extra little bit of help to get back into my feet, just that I don’t want people to judge me any different for seeing a counsellor.

I still see her and now it’s just become someone I can vent too, someone I can plan with, someone that understands just that little bit extra in fine detail. We talk about hubby and planning date nights, we took about my grandparents, my childhood and up bringing. We talk about work and how I’m feeling, sometimes people just need someone to vent to and I have chooses a counsellor hahaha.

I do think it’s helped me so much! I am way more intentional with my hubby and making sure he knows he is stilled loved, I’m living myself and body, I’m definitely a better parent because of it. Having someone understand my head and helping me map out how to handle everything has helped so much.

did you know that postpartum anxiety is more common now then postpartum depression.

It’s ok to take time for your it doesn’t mean your a bad mum, this was something I struggled with until my son was one. Before this if I did go out I was glued to my phone with worry and always checking up on him back at home. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself it doesn’t make you any less of a parent in fact it makes you a dam good one.

Talk to someone, again such a simple step but one I didn’t take, I thought I had to do everything myself for a long time my head would say ” he’s your son, you do it.” No 🙅‍♀️ it doesn’t work like this! Mums can’t do it all and no one is perfect.

I hope my story has helped others or given some people a bit of a insight about postpartum anxiety.

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