Am I ready for baby number two?

I always thought I wanted a big age gap between my kids and that I wouldn’t want to try for our second until my son was at kindy. That soon changed and both Hayden and I have been on that baby train lately. One night we found ourselves sitting and talking about when and all the in betweens for baby number two. For my work I’m a educator and usually in a room but when I came back from having a baby my role changed a little and I haven’t been in my own room I’ve been in other educators rooms helping them. But because of this Hayden I knew that if we want to try for baby number two then this would be the year just because I’m not as important at work but things could change again next year. Also with his job things are finally looking up and he’s officially at the end and coming into a massive pay jump ” a good pay jump” so to us it just kind of made sense to try this year.

Our first month came to try and we did and to be honest the feeling of scared came more to mind then anything? I was more scared of what others would think and have people no understand why we want a second so soon after our first or scared to tell my parents we are trying or even my friends. I don’t why this was even a thought because it’s not there life to live it’s mine and everyone is different but I was scared.

That scared feeling soon went away when I was a week late which for me is not uncommon so I didn’t over think and I just continued to wait. Two weeks had passed and still no period in sight and yet I wasn’t rushing to go out and buy a pregnancy test instead Hayden and I kept it to ourselves and just acted as normal. For our second time around we want to surprise everyone and keep it a secret and have cute ways to tell everyone. So no one knew but us too. Then two weeks came to three and both Hayden and I said this is definitely it. We couldn’t believe that our first try we would already be pregnant it was crazy fast for us.

I had flashbacks from finding out with Lorenzo I was a only a week old and the positive came up straight away and I actually didn’t believe it so I did two more just to double check because I was low key freaking out.

The next day I went out and bought a pregnancy test and was so nervous to open it and pee on the stick but I did and to my surprise it was negative I couldn’t believe it because I was three whole weeks late and not even my usual signs of my period had even come yet. I remember feeling confused and upset because I was getting so excited to have a new child in our family, someone to teach Lorenzo to be kind and gentle with and love and for me also I feel I missed out on the enjoyment of the newborn stage because of my heath at the time so I was so excited to do it the second time around and enjoy every moment the good and bad.

I showed Hayden and even he was bad a hiding his sad face which in return broke me he’s definitely waiting for a little girl to complete our family. After a few hours we both realised this was only the start and that we already had so much to be thankful for with having one child because we are very aware of the struggles many families face to just have one.

But all this still didn’t explain why I was still late. We went on being four weeks late when my period finally showed up snd I had decided to book to see my doctor because for me something wasn’t right with my body. But unfortunately there wasn’t much they could do, all my bloods came back fine and didn’t show anything and they didn’t push it further. I guess we will never know what or why my body did what it did. But we have decided to put our baby making on hold and we both decided that we want to focus on a few other things before we try again and have already got the ball rolling on other fun projects coming our way.

but I also look back on our experience and have realised that maybe we were a little blind to see that trying for our second child isn’t just about trying but there’s so many factors we have to consider And at the time our heads were only thinking about holding a little baby again in our arms and not about the big picture.

we don’t know what the future holds for us or if there will be more trying to come or a second baby next year or if this is just a sign that it won’t be as easy as we hoped it would be to try. But what we do know is we are healthy, happy and thankful for Lorenzo and it’s ok that it hasn’t gone to plan so far and I guess this is just life.

not just a regular mum 🌈

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